change.

many people are afraid of it, while others live in a constant state of. guess i am in the middle ground. there are certain routines that i follow on a weekly basis and that gives me a sense of control over my life, which is nonsense because none of us are really in control. (thankfully, that job belongs to someone much wiser.) then there are other times, lately quite often, that i need change.

i have tried to rearrange the furniture in the living room. two hours & a grumpy husband later, it ended in the original arrangement. considered going back to school but can't decide what it is i would be going for, plus i would still have to work full time. looked at other job opportunities but it is simply too risky at the moment... i am just holding on to the hope that new positions may open up for me at my current office. then i thought... maybe a new ride is what i need.

let me throw in a bit of my driving history: in high school, daddy bought a gray mercedes for me. this was totalled before the end of my senor year. (not my fault.) i loved that car so much that daddy then found a white one for me to drive. this one met it's untimely end on christmas eve 3 years later. (completely my fault.) there were also several other small wrecks & countless speeding tickets involved. knowing that i could never find a car to measure up, i went with a chevy s10. and i drove her for 10 years. a pickup can be very convenient. throw anything i want in the back, drive through the pasture when i feel the need, and i never slowed down for railroad tracks. little blue & i had many good times together. she also helped me through many rough nights, several ditches & a very ugly el camino.

last week we had a bittersweet goodbye. a white mustang on a lot that i pass by every morning had been smiling at me for over a week, so i stopped in just to take her for a spin. i truly did not think a sports car was in my budget but it turns out this was one of the very few times that i was wrong. after a night of no sleep, i went to sign the papers. and what a difference it has made in my life. a fresh perspective is what i needed... and roxy gives me a beautiful view from her driver's seat.

issues.

we all have them. some large, some small, but all can be important when they start to take over your life. mine range from simply making the remote control & cell phone perfectly parallel on the coffee table to being unable to break down that emotional brick wall that i built years ago. both aggravating but obviously one has more control over my happiness level. sure, there are times when the concrete begins to crumble & there may even be a few holes but overall, it's still there. certainly i am not the only person that has done this to themselves. progress is currently being made though.

many days my mind feels like a maze. some turns i take can be quite fun & entertaining, while others take me to scary dark places. i have several notebooks filled with random thoughts & ideas. when i lay down at night there is a constant stream of craziness. it usually starts with something i was supposed to do that day, which leads to what i must do tomorrow, which then leads to a memory or hope for the future. there are some memories that i replay almost every day because something as normal as putting on my mascara triggers a thought process that i can not stop.

despite the fact that most people seem to think i am very laid back, i over think everything. i play out scenarios that i feel sure will never actually happen... but if they do, i like to think that i will be prepared.

does all of this mean that i am on the verge of losing it? (schizophrenia does run in the family.) am i slightly smarter than others & just need to learn how to control it? or is this normal & i should just get over it?

inspiration.

it is a very fickle thing. when this blog began i thought for sure i would write at least one a week, but it has turned into hopefully one a month. my attention is drawn in many different directions lately. maybe it is the beautiful spring world that has my mind scattered.

i do know that i can't handle my current job for the rest of my life. not that it is bad... i really should not complain. i make decent money, get treated fairly well, and no one says a word about my late arrivals every morning. mostly my problem is with the public. this small town has produced some of the most annoyingly ignorant people i have ever spoken with.

what i don't yet know is which direction to focus my creativity. photography has always been a huge interest for me & the recent professional photographs that i have seen are something i could definitely compete with. the problem with this plan is the price of the equipment. another option for me is jewelry making. i have already began to dabble into this realm and may have a plan for selling some things in local stores, but i doubt this will ever get me out of my full time job. a third possibility and something that many people have told me i have definite skills for is interior design... particularly the home staging aspect. unfortunately i don't think this area has a large demand for such a thing.

my fourth idea is to write a book. there are a couple chapters saved on my computer right now but as i stated earlier... inspiration is not very dependable. plus, with the exception of 4 lovely friends (you know who you are), i have not received any encouraging words about this blog.

maybe i will figure out my place in this world one day... until then i will continue to do all of the above.

10 years.

you would think that is a sufficient amount of time to get over something, but it's simply not the case. some things a person never gets over. for example, losing your best friend and first love. he was my favorite person in the world. at 21, i had very few things figured out, but i knew that he was right.

it was a cold, yucky morning when i got the phone call that forever changed the way i think, feel, and live. the wreck was sudden and death came quickly, for that i was grateful. the thought of him suffering would have been more than i could have handled. people tried to comfort me but the only thing that seemed to make me feel better was to get drunk and temporarily numb. of course that was not the way he would have wanted me to handle the situation but it was the only way i knew how. that lasted for about 2 years & i can't say that i am proud of it, but neither am i ashamed.

nothing compares to the pain of losing someone you love. there is a deep feeling of emptiness that is never again filled. with time it gets easier but there is no such thing as moving past it... instead, you must learn how to live a different way.

he was intelligent, beautiful, funny, and definitely one of a kind. i sometimes still cry when i think of him, but mostly i just feel blessed to have been so close to such a special person.

pitbulls & cops.

due to a very discouraging experience that i had 2 days ago, i feel it appropriatte to repost my very first blog that i wrote on myspace (back when it was cool).

july 12, 2006...

so my mom calls me this morning while i am still getting ready & tells me she has spotted 3 dogs tied to a railroad track near our house in kind of a ghetto-like area. i leave the house, hair still wet, to see if i can help. when i get there we realize that they are actually tied to a 4th dead dog. all to them are pitbulls, obviously been fought several times, possibly have killed their dead friend, but these animals still seem sweet. one of them had actually gotten itself loose from the others but did not choose to leave. it was a terrible sight. these poor, starving, abused animals chained to a already dead dog & stuck on the railroad tracks...

we called the police b/c we did not know what else to do. they did show up about 30 min later but really did not offer much help. they moved the dogs across the road so that they were no longer in the way of a train but decided they would just leave them there alone until animal control came to get them about 30 min later. this really pissed me off!!! we had taken time out of our morning to help these pitiful dogs - making ourselves quite late for work. is dog fighting not illegal??? are cops not supposed to at least to act like they are investigating??? are these dogs not a threat to the neighborhood people & animals??? i mean they seemed nice to us but animals so severely mistreated could snap at any moment... esp the one who has gotten off the chain! they know that dog fighting & crack smoking is a way of life on that road but do they do anything about it??? not that i have seen...

anyway - after the cops heard what i had to say (which would have been much worse had my mother not been standing there) , i decided that i must get to work. as soon as i open my truck door, the poor creature that has struggled his way out of the chain jumps in & settles himself in my passenger seat!! this precious dog then sticks his tounge out & gives me a look like "please take me home with you". HEARTBREAKING!! but i can't take in this dog. we already have 2 dogs & 4 cats at home. plus i would always be nervous that he may hurt them or us...

i did call the animal control office about an hour later & a very nice girl told me the dogs had been picked up & would probably be put to sleep in a few days. sad thought but still much better than the life they were living.

i could go into much more detail, quote very stupid statements that were made, but this is already long enough...

so i cried all the way to work & my insides still feel shaky this afternoon.

what the hell is wrong with people!!!!

friday nights.

in many ways i have grown up. not that i am excited about it, but it was necessary. i have friends that unfortunately never did and their lives are fairly sad because of that. i have certainly had more than my share of wild times and late nights & still have one on occasion, but i had to slow all that down to prepare for the future. i won't go into detail about my adventures in the younger days because there are some things a parent never needs to know about their child... but let's just say there was definitely someone from above watching out for me or i would not have survived. at least not in the good health that i now appreciate.

i go to work monday thru friday, 8 to 5. well honestly i don't get there till about 8:20... but that is a whole other blog. our bills are always paid, mostly on time. my credit has never been tarnished. we take care of the nice things that we have been blessed with. our family and friends are cherished and we try to be helpful when possible. so do i not deserve to unclench a little on friday nights?? that question is purely rhetorical because i will continue to do it with or without anyone's permission.

we have friends over, drink a bit, and yes... i still smoke. i only want a cigarette when alcohol is in my hand. that has got to be better than smoking all the time.

some people exercise, do crafty things, or play sports to relax. i simply prefer to catch a buzz with good company. consider it my hobby. so there.

here i am on an outstanding friday a few years back... you can't beat a night out with the girls.

home.

growing up across the road from my great grandmother's house, it never occurred to me that it could one day be mine. not that i would have even wanted it back then, because i certainly would not be living in this town when i grew up...much less so close to the parents. don't get me wrong, i had lovely childhood memories from there and could definitely see that it had potential, but i still never considered it until the opportunity came along. gratefully i grew out of the teenage resentment stage and it has turned out to be the best decision i have ever made.

the house is over 100 years old and been in the family at least 80 of those. for a solid year & a half we worked on this place. i say "we" very loosely, because while i did do a lot a clean up, painting, choosing, and decorating... the hard work was done by my dad, mom, mitch, uncle tom, and many other wonderful people. when we started, the wiring and plumbing were not even legal, there was no insulation or central heat & air, and apparently it had at one time been an all you can eat buffet for termites. the house had to be gutted, jacked up, leveled out (as level as you can get a building on field rocks), and reframed. then it was time for windows, doors, sheet rock, hardwood floors, tile, ceilings, paint, trim work... anyone who has ever done this knows that this list goes on forever. the remodel began to turn very stressful for all involved and thankfully the house knew when we could take no more.

it was all so worth it though. to have a home that is unlike any other... from it's location on my family road, to it's unique interior that has a ridiculous amount of charm. i could not ask for better views, both inside and out. and really i don't plan to ever be done with my improvements.

so you can have your fancy apartments and your cookie-cutter houses in those developments where you have to clear it with the neighbors before your dog takes a dump in the backyard. that is not the life for me...

the coldness.

winter is by far my least favorite of the seasons. there are a lot of fabulous events that happen during these months but they would be much more enjoyable if the weather was warmer. on halloween us girls could wear our sexy little costumes without ruining them by putting on a huge coat. we could eat all we wanted on thanksgiving then enjoy a lovely stroll down the road to burn off some of those calories. christmas morning the kids could test out their shiny new bicycles and trampolines without being hindered by layers of coats and hats. on new years, people could spark their fireworks without having to consume so much liquor in order to stay warm. (ok, so maybe we would still drink the liquor.) our significant others may be more romantically creative on valentine's day. even st. patty's day might be better... we could possibly swim in a green pool instead of just toasting with our green beer.

i seriously see now why so many old people move to florida. there are only 2 times a day that my feet are warm in the winter... during my shower in the morning and about a hour after i get into bed at night. it's like the coldness somehow seeps into my bones and makes me feel about 20 years older. and my nose has been sniffly since about october, so i would like to give a big thanks to the genius that put lotion in those puffs.

how do people survive further north of south carolina? the husband and i officially decided last night that if we ever get rich, we will definitely have a winter home somewhere in the caribbean... one that is dog friendly of course. we may only get snow a couple times of year in this area and sure, it's pretty, but if it doesn't keep me home from work then i would rather it not even happen.