change.

many people are afraid of it, while others live in a constant state of. guess i am in the middle ground. there are certain routines that i follow on a weekly basis and that gives me a sense of control over my life, which is nonsense because none of us are really in control. (thankfully, that job belongs to someone much wiser.) then there are other times, lately quite often, that i need change.

i have tried to rearrange the furniture in the living room. two hours & a grumpy husband later, it ended in the original arrangement. considered going back to school but can't decide what it is i would be going for, plus i would still have to work full time. looked at other job opportunities but it is simply too risky at the moment... i am just holding on to the hope that new positions may open up for me at my current office. then i thought... maybe a new ride is what i need.

let me throw in a bit of my driving history: in high school, daddy bought a gray mercedes for me. this was totalled before the end of my senor year. (not my fault.) i loved that car so much that daddy then found a white one for me to drive. this one met it's untimely end on christmas eve 3 years later. (completely my fault.) there were also several other small wrecks & countless speeding tickets involved. knowing that i could never find a car to measure up, i went with a chevy s10. and i drove her for 10 years. a pickup can be very convenient. throw anything i want in the back, drive through the pasture when i feel the need, and i never slowed down for railroad tracks. little blue & i had many good times together. she also helped me through many rough nights, several ditches & a very ugly el camino.

last week we had a bittersweet goodbye. a white mustang on a lot that i pass by every morning had been smiling at me for over a week, so i stopped in just to take her for a spin. i truly did not think a sports car was in my budget but it turns out this was one of the very few times that i was wrong. after a night of no sleep, i went to sign the papers. and what a difference it has made in my life. a fresh perspective is what i needed... and roxy gives me a beautiful view from her driver's seat.

issues.

we all have them. some large, some small, but all can be important when they start to take over your life. mine range from simply making the remote control & cell phone perfectly parallel on the coffee table to being unable to break down that emotional brick wall that i built years ago. both aggravating but obviously one has more control over my happiness level. sure, there are times when the concrete begins to crumble & there may even be a few holes but overall, it's still there. certainly i am not the only person that has done this to themselves. progress is currently being made though.

many days my mind feels like a maze. some turns i take can be quite fun & entertaining, while others take me to scary dark places. i have several notebooks filled with random thoughts & ideas. when i lay down at night there is a constant stream of craziness. it usually starts with something i was supposed to do that day, which leads to what i must do tomorrow, which then leads to a memory or hope for the future. there are some memories that i replay almost every day because something as normal as putting on my mascara triggers a thought process that i can not stop.

despite the fact that most people seem to think i am very laid back, i over think everything. i play out scenarios that i feel sure will never actually happen... but if they do, i like to think that i will be prepared.

does all of this mean that i am on the verge of losing it? (schizophrenia does run in the family.) am i slightly smarter than others & just need to learn how to control it? or is this normal & i should just get over it?